People pleasing: what came together in writing this
Beware when you remind yourself how good you are. It may mean that you don’t actually believe it. Actual goodness flows from Inner Self, and your inner voice is calling you to wake up to that Truth.
Have you ever found yourself thinking something in the lines of
“Oh, I have been very nice to my sister in law when I have listened to her. I am so glad I have. She needed support. And I have been there for her, and…”
And so on and so on, reminding you that you’re such a good person?
I have. I still do. But I have realized that this intimate chatting carries a hidden need: that of self-validation, self-remembrance that you are a good person. Which in turn may very well cover or compensate an even stronger need: that of validation, by everyone else.
Our mind repeats it to ourselves because deep inside we do not believe it is true.
At some point in our childhood, something happened that made us feel unseen. Or perhaps we were scolded as egotistic when we were enjoying ourselves. Who knows. But, as Cornelius Christopher often explains, our experiences create our emotions and the meaning we give to them shapes our actions and behaviours. If the meaning we gave was that we needed to be kind to others, to please people, to be a good child, in order to be seen or accepted, then that will become part of our identity and that is how we are going to behave. That’s how so many of us have become people pleasers.
Because our kindness is a survival strategy, it won’t come from who we really are, from Inner Self. It will be a mask. We will need continual proof that we are kind, always starving for confirmation, for validation. And when it does not come from the appreciation of people surrounding us… we’ll look for it inside. Therefore the chatting.
Want another clue? I bet that people pleasers’ chat when we misbehave, get it wrong or are unwelcome or called upon is blatant, nasty, ruthless, may be even cruel. I won’t write any example, and please don’t go for them if you know how this works. When people pleasing people is our identity, been unknowledged or getting it wrong feeds our believes that we are a failure, we are not enough, that we don’t deserve any good…
Filling the lack becomes our motor
These believes make people pleasing a place empty of self-love, self-confidence and self-esteem. A huge sense of lack may grow within us, and no amount of external recognition will fill it. So, paradoxically, people pleasers may become very self-centered, and enter into the role of victims to get the attention and acknowledgement our ego is desperate for. We may even manipulate others, including those we want to please, to obtain what we are convinced we can’t get on our own. So as we play the heroes, we may actually be acting as the victims or even the villains, in patterns that we unawarily repeat once and again.
Codependency: the way out that keeps us in
This emptiness, the need to fill ourselves through the people we might please can lead us into co-dependent relationships where we leave our happiness and pain in the hands of another person. We may be lucky enough with our pick, and feel we live a decent life that way. Or we may get trapped in a relationship with either a narcissistic partner, or an alcoholic one… or with anyone else that feeds on our need to please others until we can give no more. This may seem the worse option… but it is also the one that holds the keys of freedom. In my case, my children’s challenges were what tore me out of my confort zone.
Inner Self: the way in that holds freedom
At the end, people pleasing comes from an illusion. Under our ego trying to assert its identity as a good person to procure itself other people’s attention and love, our Inner Self remains one with the source of Love itself. Our believes make us blind to it. Our patterns, the fear of the void, our identity runs away from, keep us in that ignorance. A long time ago, I read that we are beggars sitting on the most incredible treasure. In fact, the treasure is within us: our Inner Self.
We have all of us touched our Inner Self. When we feel deep tenderness; when the beauty of either nature, or a piece of art or music leaves us in awe; when creativity flows without us touching it; when we feel truth in our guts… Many of these experiences are unexpected, they just stop our minds… allowing Inner Self to emerge, since it is always there. Then our mind kicks on, analyzing the colors of the piece of art, sorting out the instruments in the piece of music, putting the names of the plants. And the people pleaser is back!
How I can help
The Prasiddha sessions help you to become aware of your Inner Self, in a way that allows its wonder to show you what you most need in the moment. It is like having a glimpse of the treasure in the beggar seat. If you so wish, I can accompany you to explore how what you have experienced and how to translate it into actual change, be it either large or small.
I don’t promise it will be the end of your identity as a pleople pleaser. You see, what I have written before has come together, I have trully seen the whole picture, as I have allowed myself to feel it in the writing process.
What the Prasiddha session may give you is the actual experience of the depth of your being, which by itself is already an internal compass. It may well also give you insights that help you to consciously and willingly become free of the believes, programmes, patterns and loops that keep us tied to the illusion that we lack love.
If after reading this you feel it is too late, too soon, or too risky to become aware of your Inner Self, that’s just the reason for which you might benefit from your Prasiddha session. Don’t fall in the ego traps of “It won’t make a difference” or “I’d better leave it for tomorrow” or “This is the way I am” and give yourself a real opportunity to embrace your Inner Self by booking now!
From my heart to yours,
